have i ever mentioned that i love donald miller? because i do.

molly thinks he's single for a reason.

i just think he's brilliant.

"Moses said God knew Adam was lonely or incomplete or however you want to say it, but God did not create Eve directly after He stated Adam was lonely. This struck me as funny because a lot of times when I think about life before the fall, I don't think of people going around lonely. But that thought also comforted me because I realized loneliness in my own life doesn't mean I am a complete screwup, rather that God made me this way. You always picture the perfect human being as somebody who doesn't need anybody, like a guy on a horse out in Colorado or whatever. But here is Adam, the only perfect guy in the world, and he is going around wanting to be with somebody else, needing another person to fulfill a certain emptiness in his life. And as I said, when God saw this, He did not create Eve right away. He did not give Adam what he immediately needed. He waited. He told Adam to name the animals."

if i haven't mentioned it already, two thousand and six can go to hell for all i care. i pretty much hate this year so far. but i read this last night, and thought, maybe, right now, i'm just supposed to be "naming some animals".

"The thing is, when Adam finished naming the animals, after all his work and effort, God put him to sleep, took a rib out of his side, and fashioned a woman. I had read that part a thousand times, too, but I don't think I quite realized how beautiful this moment was. Moses said the whole time Adam was naming the animals, that entire hundred years, he couldn't find a helpmate suitable for him. That means while he was naming cattle he was lonely because he couldn't really communicate in the same way with the cattle, and when he was naming fish he probably wanted to go swim in the ocean with them, but he couldn't breathe underwater; and the entire time he could not imagine what a helpmate might look like, how a helpmate might talk, the ways in which a helpmate might think. The idea of another person had, perhaps, never entered Adam's mind. Just like a kid who grows up without a father has no idea what having a father would be like, a guy who grows up the only human would have no idea what having another human around would be like. So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people, and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with the chimps for a hundred years. It's quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam's steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and graditude."

i know that all of this is talking about relationships...but this stuff hit me on a much deeper level than just having someone to hold hands with, and kiss, and wake up next to. maybe all of my struggles, all the suckiness known as 2006, is here so i will appreciate, and respect, and give thanks for whatever is coming.

rest assured that things ARE coming.

"'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12: 5-12

so there may not be an adam for me, or a debt free life, or anything else that i might THINK i want, but at the end of all of this, i am promised two things: righteousness and peace. and not just a measly amount of them either, but a complete harvest of them both. bails and bails of righteousness and rows and rows of peace.

i guess right now, i'm just naming the animals and planting some seeds.

i read the blog of some guy i don't know. he was talking about this girl with shock therapy eyes. apparently, he likes her a lot. she makes his heart beat fast. he can't talk to her.

i secretly found myself wanting to be the said girl. it would be nice to have that affect on someone. to have them like me so much that they lost all control of...well, their control.

two christmas' ago, becky and i invested in a little book called "he's just not that into you." we listened to it, and it was life changing. liberating. we vowed to live that way always.

rule number one: "he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out." girls. they're dumb. they will wait and wait, giving hope to hopeless situations. i have been that girl. many times. in my life, she has been properly named as "the benefit of the doubt" girl.

i like to think that i learn from my mistakes. but more often than not, i don't. i allow myself to walk in circles, only to end up in the same labyrinth i swore i'd never go through again.

this time, i bowed out.

why is doing the right thing so hard?

why does protecting yourself feel so selfish?

why does walking away raise more doubts than waiting by a silent cell phone?

truth is, i've still got a lot to learn. about everything. these past few days, i've realized that i'm pretty much missing the mark in everything. it hurts. but, the Lord disciplines the ones He loves. and that, right now, is bringing me much joy.