i read the blog of some guy i don't know. he was talking about this girl with shock therapy eyes. apparently, he likes her a lot. she makes his heart beat fast. he can't talk to her.

i secretly found myself wanting to be the said girl. it would be nice to have that affect on someone. to have them like me so much that they lost all control of...well, their control.

two christmas' ago, becky and i invested in a little book called "he's just not that into you." we listened to it, and it was life changing. liberating. we vowed to live that way always.

rule number one: "he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out." girls. they're dumb. they will wait and wait, giving hope to hopeless situations. i have been that girl. many times. in my life, she has been properly named as "the benefit of the doubt" girl.

i like to think that i learn from my mistakes. but more often than not, i don't. i allow myself to walk in circles, only to end up in the same labyrinth i swore i'd never go through again.

this time, i bowed out.

why is doing the right thing so hard?

why does protecting yourself feel so selfish?

why does walking away raise more doubts than waiting by a silent cell phone?

truth is, i've still got a lot to learn. about everything. these past few days, i've realized that i'm pretty much missing the mark in everything. it hurts. but, the Lord disciplines the ones He loves. and that, right now, is bringing me much joy.