as a child, the concept of being an adult was never obscure. somewhere in the midst of growing up, it became a dreaded and feared thing. i can remember thinking about my life as a child. who i would be, who i would marry, the kind of life i would lead. growing up meant houses, and steady 9-5 jobs, and kids.

growing up is so much more difficult than i had ever imagined.

i think becoming an adult has nothing to do with my checking account and who's putting money in it. and it has nothing to do with what make and model my car is, and how my 401k is doing. being an adult to me is knowing myself. and standing up for myself. and doing what is best for me.

the times in my life when i felt the most like an adult were times that i made a choice...by myself...to do something that would affect the rest of my life. california. moving to austin. these things define me. and mold me. and grow me more than any sort of diploma, or man, or salary ever can.

i really despise being an adult. i hate that sometimes others have to get hurt in order for me to grow up. i guess the callousness that comes with knowing that is part of growing up too.

my mind is scrambled tonight. and my heart is sad. and my path unpaved. and i hate that it's up to me to decide where it's going to go. i hate that tonight i have to choose what type of adult i'm going to be.

i hate growing pains.